Something un horror related for once, or perhaps it still is.
A reason as to why I vanished from Tumblr for so long until tonight, didn’t post, if any of my few followers wondered.
My boyfriend is dead. The man I loved more than anything in the whole world bled to death at the end of June. Words cannot describe the pain I feel inside. I have no way to describe that waking surreal nightmare feeling I have daily. It sickens me. Life feels very empty now. I am able to once again do things I enjoy, but it feels hollow. The only site I would ever admit this on is Tumblr, as it’s not a “personal” site, but I have many thoughts of killing myself throughout the day. I keep seeing it as a good thing, the idea of getting a shotgun and blowing my head off. I do not know where I’d go, but it feels like this. It feels like if I go nowhere, I’m the same as him then, so it’s not bad. It’s not as bad if I’m dead, too! If I go to an afterlife, I’ll see him again perhaps. If I go to hell for suicide, although seemingly unlikely to me, well if hell’s real, maybe I’ll still see him again. I won’t get into it, but he did very bad things in life. But my rambly point is I do not feel okay anymore.
I feel like I am slowly breaking down. My life has changed and so have I. I do not know where this will end up, but I have a feeling it’s going to be something. Something.
And don’t think I just can’t deal with death. I’ve lost a loved one before, my mother, when I was 11. Saying that hurt would be an understatement, but I don’t know what happened this time. My boyfriend’s death destroyed me.
So, there you go, for anyone who wondered. There is my explanation for abandoning the site at the start of the summer. What a time is has been.
I’m sure I’m going to get at least SOME hate for this, but there’s one thing I just don’t get in the Columbiner community that pops up sometimes. It’s when people who claim to love (not study or be fascinated in) Eric and Dylan are quick to immediately call out and hate those who happen to say they’re glad the victims died or that they think the massacre was a good thing. I’m talking about the people who claim they’d want to be Eric’s or Dylan’s best friend or girlfriend. It literally makes no sense.
I’m not saying anything along the lines of people SHOULD say cruel things about the victims are promote what Eric and Dylan did, but I really wonder what these people who are so quick to demonize people who say those things are thinking (who fit the category). It’s like, um, I’m pretty sure Eric and Dylan felt the massacre was a good thing, or at least necessary. From transcribed audio I’ve read during the shooting, they said very cruel things to their victims, calling them racial slurs and everything. They were laughing about it, killing the innocent people, making it basically like a game.
Anyone who claims to really really like or even love either of the two, but gets offended when someone who isn’t Eric or Dylan says something the two probably felt, seems delusional to me. I don’t get why X tumblr user is a monster and disrespectful, but Eric and Dylan, gee, they were just swell, trying to blow up their whole school and shooting innocent people while mocking them and laughing over their deaths. THEY apparently can do it, for what reason I’m not sure. But, no, no one else in the entire planet can dare say anything their beloved Eric and Dylan also said. That’s cruel, and sick, and disrespecting the families of those who died!! (the two guys who actually killed them are forgiven and great apparently though somehow)
And I just want to make this clear, this isn’t pointed at the people who are just fascinated in the subject, and don’t claim they’d just love the hell out of Eric and Dylan. That is understandable when people like that say agreeing with the massacre or mocking the dead is bad. The other case though, I really am perplexed.